a home away from home!

Hey guys,

This blog is about finding your happy place whether it's a place that shows you the beauty in life or if it's in the arms of someone who makes you see the beauty in you.

Recently my happy place has been out there in the Forrest (nothing like the sun shining in between the trees and the dead pine needles underneath your feet) don't get me wrong I love being at home as the next person but for awhile now I don't know where home is, for a few years I been here there and everywhere living with parents and on my own 

And for awhile I am settled, happy but then that feeling comes along 

Where your looking for something that even you don't even know what it is but it's not where you are at that present time. 

Since I was born my life had been "structed" as my dad would call it

I never had the freedom of making my own decisions ( a whole other story I'll get round to telling) or even the freedom of speech because of the the fear of being hurt emotionally or physically by my dad 

So when i hit teenage hood I rebelled 

I wanted the freedom my friends had but  that was just out my reach 

Then when my parents divorced I finally was given some freedom by my mum and for me it was like a drug once I had a little bit I wanted more and more 

To the point where I was living a completely separate life to my mum 

( she was discovering herself again after 26 years of abuse from my dad)

Eventually mine and my mums relationship completely broke down 

And I was left homeless (yes I had the freedom I craved but I lost a sense of family) 

Then as you can imagine I was from hostel to hostel so I got use to saying goodbye and starting over again 

Now even though in back living with my mum ( were on good terms now  but to me I still don't feel close to her like we use to be) I still get that voice inside my head saying don't get too settled you'll be saying goodbye soon ( I do think my mums still capable of kicking me out) but it's more the feeling of before that happens I find myself a new home. 

The problem with that is even after years of feeling alone you never get use to it and even if you come to being use to it, it still gets you on the long, cold winter nights

So this brings me to finding your home in someone's arms 

And I don't just mean living together 

I mean when your with that person you feel sheltered and safe aswell as warm and free 

I've had this with one girl my first girlfriend and if you read my previous blogs you'll know it didn't last long or end well 

But that hasn't made me sceptical about finding or feeling love again 

I did feel that begin again with a girl I was briefly seeing but we wanted different things and I wish her well with finding that person who's arms she can call home :)

What I've come to realise is aslong as there's sun shining on my skin and ground beneath my feet is i'll always find a way of making my way home where ever that is 

Whether It's in love or out of it 

So next time you ever feel lost 

Think of your happy place and remember it doesn't have to be anywhere because it comes from with you 

All my love 

Emma 

Xx

my view on love, relationships and all that sh*t

Hey I'm Emma or as friends call me embob :)

First my first post I want to talk about my experience with relationships with both men and.women

Ok so I've only had what I believe to be one serious relationship which was with my first girlfriend. She was a year older but untill we met she hadn't come out to her family only to her friends. We met through friends and I remember her buying a Cheryl Cole poster and our friend at the time Andy let it slip she was bisexual. She immediatly looked at Andy with anger and then me. I told her later that night not to worry as I'm bi so she didn't feel like I was judging her because I know how that feels ( as I came out in school to all my peers and my parents)
I could see she felt relieved that her sexuality wouldne't be the elephant in the room.  As time went by we became friends then out the blue one night she kissed me. I had no idea what I was letting myself in for as time went by we started dating everything was nice at the beginning ( what I call the honeymoon period) then little while after we started dating she rang me up in the middle of the night and told me how she has already cheated on my twice. I have no idea what I was doing at the time thinking about it. I forgave her by trying to justify what she did by thinking well everyone makes mistakes. But a few weeks after that her whole personality changed but by that time I'd already fallen for her) she became paranoid and possessive ( if I was going out with friends she would accuse me constantly of doing things) so admittedly lied to her at first about going.out ( just had no idea how to handle the situation just didn't wanna lose my friends) then before I knew it I was isolated from my family and friends with her ( I didn't know what was happening at the time) a few months later she cheated again this time it was when we both went out with our mutual friend Kayleigh and her boyfriend. I got drunk ( way too many shots) and I passed out. In the morning I woke up feeling ok untill I looked over at her. She looked worried but I thought nothing of it until she said we need to talk tonight at my house. I just said thowhat's wrong just tell me and that's when she told me that she had kissed my friend Kayleigh and then told me she slept with Kayleigh boyfriend that night whilst we were both asleep. I was obviously angry and hurt. But for some reason after of hours of arguments I gave in ( by this point i'd been controlled and hit and my confidence had been destroyed) there was plenty more time she told me she cheated after that I can say I wasent happy but sometimes love really does blind you. I fought for the relationship because I had nothing left but one day I found out she cheating again and I just thought wtf am I doing so I broke up from her believe me it was the hardest and scariest things I had to do I didn't know who I was anymore she stripped me of my identity so I fitted the mould of who she wanted so it was a journey of self discovery and since then I've been in relationships never felt love since when the other person felt more of the relationship I can say I'm over her but I'm not ready to put my heart in a vulnerable position again but if I do fall again It would be a miracle because my walls are too high now

Hi I'm Emma phoenix,
im 19 verging on 20 ( arch it's scary that the older you get the faster the days fly by) XD

I've had this account for about 2 months now & I've had no idea what to talk or write about. I wanted to write something with meaning. The stuff that I've been through over the years that others could relate to and know they're not on their own!

Unfortunately that's what I've always found difficult because I'm that person who puts a strong facade on just so people don't see my tears as a sign of weakness and take advantage of it ( I've done it before and regretted it later)
I just go through the motions at the time Then block it out and for awhile it worked but there comes a time when you can't block out everything including feelings ( makes me sound like the terminator haha)
So this is me dealing with it and putting shit to rest finally!

I live in a small village in Wales ( everyone knows everyone's business here ha!) with my stepdad ( who's bipolar) and stepbrother luke and my mum ( who suffers with clinical depression)
Ok so living with my mum isn't easy. It never has been she's difficult to talk to about things without her taking anything you say personally or she just doesn't want to listen half the time.
For my mum I am her rock always have been since I was able to understand what she actually saying